In a clear, compassionate discussion for Kids In The House, psychologist Gordon Neufeld, PhD, explains why impulsivity in children is not a character flaw but a stage of development — and what parents can do to help their child grow out of it. Below I summarize the key ideas and offer practical steps you can use at home to support healthy emotional and self-control development.
Understanding Impulsivity: It’s Natural and Developmental
Impulsivity is normal. Young children are wired to experience one emotion at a time, and with each emotion comes an impulse to act. This single-emotion focus is part of how the brain develops. As Neufeld puts it, impulsivity is “always indicative of immaturity” — specifically, immature functioning of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps us mix feelings, think ahead, and regulate behavior.
“Impulsivity is always indicative of immaturity, always indicative of a lack of prefrontal cortex functioning.”
The Brain Behind It: How Emotional Mixing and Self-Control Develop
The ability to hold mixed feelings — for example, being both excited and afraid about a school play — signals an important developmental shift. This mixing happens in the prefrontal cortex, which starts to come online between about 5 and 7 years of age and continues to mature after that.
When children begin to say things like, “Part of me feels this way and part of me feels that way,” it’s the beginning of self-control. They are starting to notice internal emotional conflict rather than acting on the strongest impulse immediately.
Typical timelines and variability
- Early stages (toddler-preschool): Emotions are experienced one at a time; impulsivity is common.
- Around 5–7 years: The prefrontal cortex begins to support mixing emotions and emerging self-control.
- For more emotionally intense children: The process can be slower and may not be well-established until 8–9 years or later.
What Parents Can Do: Support the Conditions for Growth
Because the prefrontal cortex develops through experience and support, the good news is that improvement is possible at almost any age — the brain is plastic. The “bad news” is that progress often requires going back to basics. Think of self-control like a muscle: it grows stronger the more you exercise it.
Key principles to guide your approach:
- Allow feelings to be felt. Children need permission to experience emotions fully. That soft-hearted, feeling-centered foundation is what later allows feelings to be mixed and managed.
- Be patient and developmental. Accept that some behaviors are signs of immaturity rather than intentional defiance.
- Provide gentle containment and guidance. Support limits with empathy so the child feels safe enough to explore and internalize regulation skills.
- Exercise the “self-control muscle.” Practice small, age-appropriate activities that require waiting, turn-taking, and planning.
Practical techniques to try
- Label emotions for your child: “I can see you’re really angry right now.” Naming feelings helps them begin to notice internal states.
- Use short, scaffolded waiting games: brief pauses before giving a desired object, or simple “wait a beat” routines that become predictable practice for delay.
- Encourage expression, not suppression: let them say how they feel (safely), even if that involves strong words or tears.
- Model mixed feelings aloud: “I’m excited about the trip, but I’m also a bit worried about the schedule.” This shows how adults manage multiple emotions.
- Keep consistent routines and limits so the child can predict outcomes and practice choices within a safe framework.
When Impulsivity Persists: What to Watch For
In extreme cases, prolonged impulsivity can be a sign of significantly delayed development in the prefrontal cortex. Neufeld notes that some delinquent adolescents he worked with had prefrontal cortex development resembling that of a four-year-old — which explains impulsive behavior but also points to the need for compassionate, systematic intervention rather than blame.
If impulsivity severely interferes with school, relationships, or safety, professional assessment and a structured support plan are appropriate. Still, interventions should remain anchored in the developmental, feeling-based approach described above.
Long View: Patience, Support, and the Promise of Growth
Remember these takeaways:
- Impulsivity is developmental, not moral. It’s often a sign the child’s brain hasn’t yet learned to mix emotions and manage impulses.
- Supportive, patient parenting — giving children space to feel, naming feelings, and exercising self-control in small steps — helps the prefrontal cortex mature.
- It’s never too late to help a child develop better impulse control, but progress takes time and often requires starting with the basics.
“They need to feel all their feelings… if they’re young or if they’re very intense and have patience, nature will answer it.”
Conclusion
By shifting from judgment to developmental support, parents can turn impulsivity into an opportunity for growth. Let feelings be felt, provide predictable structure, practice small exercises in self-control, and be patient. With the right conditions, children will learn to mix emotions, weigh impulses, and act with increasing self-control over time.
For more expert parenting insights from Kids In The House and Gordon Neufeld, PhD, consider exploring additional resources that focus on emotional development and attachment-based parenting strategies.
